Certain Again 2

Certain Again 2

Miranda

"I don't know if I should be happy or sad that my college friend is my boss now."

I said to my friend Yun in the evening. She lived literally next door to my apartment so we often spent nights together. But today was not about the occasional hangout. My water pipe was broken and the sync was leaking. So I couldn't cook today and thought I might as well just visit Yun. Tomorrow, someone from the apartment management will fix it. After dinner together home and while watching her favorite K-drama, I told her about my new boss slash old friend.

"Why? Isn't that an obviously good thing? Like... she could literally favor you?"

Said Yun, munching on microwaved popcorns.

"But she is mad at me for ghosting her."

"But why did you ghost her?"

I paused and bit my lips.

"I ghosted every fucking human being I knew at that time because..."

Hesitation came through. The show was still going on. The lady in the show was crying for not being able to express her feelings toward the guy.

"Cuz I wanted a fresh start."

"O...k?"

Alright, she didn't understand a bit.

"Well I was afraid of coming out."

"What the???"

Yun chocked.

"You are living 21 century. What the hell are you talking about? Even my stereo typical asian parents accepted my brother!"

She shouted with one eye completely frowned. Her eyes alone were saying 'ridiculous!' to me loudly. So loud that I wanted to hide in a rabbit hole.

"Your brother looks too obvious. I am not. And you know my parents."

I was born and raised in New York suburb. My family was a typical American conservative family. And when I say conservative, they are conservative. They live in a different world, They were all sincere christians. I used to go to church every Saturdays and Sundays, and even very early morning on Wednesdays to pray. My parents believed in nothing but Bible and that was the number one reason I wanted to move to the farthest of the farthest from my family.

Thanks to that, all of my childhood friends were also very conservative christians. Nothing was wrong with that. I just couldn't disappoint them with my sexuality, especially when they liked to mock people like me.

"Well, you are in San Fran now. Nothing to worry about and... wait...."

Suddenly, Yun looked at me with suspicion in her eyes.

"Is this the girl?"

"What girl?"

I asked back.

"The girl in your dream all the time."

Right. I already mentioned she has been coming to my dream, usually as a nightmare. I wake up all sweaty and disoriented, I mentioned that to Yun couple times when she noticed I look depressed.

I couldn't say anything because she was right.

"Do you like her or something?"

"What?! No... I mean..."

I rolled my eyes. I remembered why I felt sorry for her.

"Well, I think she had a crush on me."

I said that in hesitation.

There are a few reasons why I thought it that way.

Whenever we had drinks together after class, she always wanted me to drink a lot. A lot like to the point I can't handle myself. She said, with her curled up lashes and quite seductive voice, that she wants to be on the caring side than to be cared. She claimed that she always gets drunk first and I always take care of her, escorting her to her apartment, giving water and Gatorades to make her feel better. So she wanted to reciprocate. But in all honesty, I was just as drunk as her most of the times. I get drunk very fast and I stay in that mode for a while. It just doesn't show up on my face due to my makeup or my conservative DNA from my parents doesn't let me collapse or go crazy like her. I was always drunk as hell with her.

Then she wanted me to sleep over at her place. It felt weird. I don't know exactly why but I felt like I shouldn't go. It felt like I am violating something. Some kind of a boundary.

So I only went to her place once, to sleep over. Nothing happened. Really... nothing.

"So you mean YOU had a crush on her."

When I finished my reasonings, Yun pointed out with a big emphasis on 'YOU'.

"What? No! I mean she is just...."

"Just what? She seems chill? And because you had feelings for her, you seem to have interpreted her behaviors in certain ways. Isn't that it?"

Said Yun, giggling.

"I mean... did she try to kiss you or touch you or what? Which part should I think she had a crush on you?"

Suddenly, certain realization struck me. I never thought of it that way. Why did I always think she had something on me?

"She didn't like it when I had a male date."

She didn't. She was furious saying I am picking worthless guys on the street. I guess it didn't matter much for me because I wasn't into guys anyway. It was always a coverup and didn't last long.

"Again, she sounds like a concerned friend."

"Really?"

"Through my straight fucking heterosexual lenses? Yes. I don't see no foul behavior but innocent friend trying to save your ass from bad guys."

"Hmm...."

"And you said she's married?"

"Yeah...."

Right. I forgot about that for a second. She got married after 3 years of graduation. That is 7 years. 7 years of healthy marriage....

"Maybe you are right...."

I muttered in denial.

I came back home (next door) . And went straight to bed. I recalled the conversation with Yun. I was asking myself if I really had a crush on her.

"But she is not my type."

I wanted a calm person. A person who can understand my mood swings and tantrums. A person who can take care of me time to time. She was the exact opposite of it, perhaps opposite of me.

She was a fierce. She was straight with her opinions and never bent her thoughts no matter what. Maybe that is why she is a director now....

Then I fell a sleep.

Next day, I woke up 6 am as usual then hit the gym. The gym was right across my apartment building so it was quite convenient. My apartment was in the center of San Francisco city, near market street and business district. It is expensive but everything is nearby so I don't need a car. Plus I like walking.

My routine is to run for 15 min then doing strength training. So I went to the gym in my big college sweatshirt and sweatpants. I caught my long wavy hair up and started the treadmill. After 15 minutes, I stepped down and that's when I saw Miranda again. She was couple treadmills away from me, looking straight at the big glass wall.

She was wearing a matching yoga leggings and top. The yoga set was tightly hugging her body. They made her breasts gently pressed and lifted her ass up so that they look firm. She caught her hair up just like me. Her dark straight hair was swinging gently as she was jogging on the treadmill. She was sweating. I could see some sweat on the back of her exposed neck.

I swallowed hard and then the next moment, I snapped out of the view because she stopped the treadmill.

'What the hell was I doing just now?'

I shoot my eyes to the floor as Miranda stepped down from the treadmill and approached me.

"Oh, hi, good morning. Didn't know you come to this gym too."

I said it awkwardly. I could not see her eyes. This is all because Yun said something stupid last night. I became too self conscious and self critical.

She looked down on me. And I finally looked up and saw her eyes. Her bare face made her look younger, like back in the college.

Such a beautifully shaped face.

"You know you could have just come and say hi, instead of standing there for 5 minutes staring at me."

Wait, what? I thought it was about 30 seconds. I looked at my apple watch and checked the time. It was true. Almost 7 minutes passed since I found her. I know this because I stick to the workout schedule religiously! Damn what was I thinking!

"Oh! Sorry I didn't mean to pry. I uh...."

I lost words. Because prying was exactly what I was doing and I just confessed that.

I wasn't good at lying.

"It's fine."

She smirked.

"Wait, how did you know I was, uh... here?"

"Reflection on the glass."

She said it casually, pointing at the glass wall.

Shit. So she saw me the whole 5 min standing here like an idiot!

My face turned red with embarrassment.

"Anyway, good to see you here. You're coming this Friday, right?"

"Friday?"

"Welcome party."

Oh.... That.

I wasn't going to go.

I usually don't go to any of company events. I like drinking but not around people. I know my nasty behavior when I am drunk and once I start drinking, it is not easy to stop.

"I'd probably s..."

"I want you to come."

She said it before I finish the word 'skip'.

Miranda was giving a very intensive look. Look that is about to start a fire. Whenever I noticed that look on me back in the days, I had to break eye contact, realizing I wasn't breathing.

Today was same.

"I want you to come. I want to have a few drinks with you just like our old days. Would you do that for me?"

Her emerald eyes were glaring under the morning sunlight through the glass wall.

I nodded.